Get your filthy paws off my turkey you dirty elf!

The time is near to celebrate my personal favorite holiday.  No.  Not Christmas, even though I like Christmas just fine.  I’m talking about Thanksgiving.  The red-headed step-child between Halloween and the 800 lb. gorilla in a red and white suit.  I’m talking turkey, dressing (not stuffing Yankees), and pumpkin pie.  Mmmmm…pumpkin pie.  All the other holidays have some sort of gimmick attached to them.  Christmas and Easter have the gift thing.  The 4th of July has fireworks.  Don’t get me wrong, I love those things.  But, Thanksgiving is simple and unique.  There’s really only one thing you do to celebrate it.  Try your very best to eat yourself into a tryptophan-induced coma.

That’s it.

How beautiful is that?

No stress of trying to buy gifts and wondering if they will like what you bought, or if it will fit.  No worrying if this will be the year Uncle Bubba blows the fingers off his good hand with the cherry bomb.  All you have to do is show up and eat.  Thanksgiving?  You better believe I’m thankful.

Another thing I would like to bring up while I have your attention.  I would like to ask that all you obsessive Christmas people to quit trampling Thanksgiving to death with your filthy glitter-encrusted shoes.  There’s no reason I should be seeing Christmas decorations the day after Halloween.  Come on guys.  There’s a whole other holiday in there.  Don’t blaze by it in your hurry to OD on tinsel.  Christmas won’t be any less awesome if you just hold it in a couple more weeks.  I promise.

Just take some time to be thankful this year, before you start “Santa Watch 2010” (said in monster truck commercial voice).  Or you could even be like me and be Meta-Thankful™ .  Because let me tell you, I am thankful for Thanksgiving.

The Stupidest Song I Have Ever Heard

Watch this before you continue reading.  I’m sorry to inflict this on other human beings, but I need confirmation that this could very well be the most ridiculous song ever recorded.

My wife likes country music.  So, when we are in the car together that’s pretty much what I have to listen to.  I heard this song the other day, and apparently it is pretty popular because it was on some “countdown” show.  Those have to be some of the dumbest lyrics I have ever heard.  Seriously, they were so stupid they made my head hurt.

I like your lips like I like my Coca-Cola, yeah
Oh how it pops and fizzes
You like my shirt like I like it when you hold my hand
The way – it fits – has got me feeling lucky

Where do you even come up with these metaphors?  They don’t make sense!  For one thing; guys that would be holding your hand, won’t give a rip about your shirt.

CHORUS:

Lookie, who is comin’, whoo! You got that somethin’
Boy I wanna be where you are, and I’m gunnin’ for ya’
Can’t even fall for some other man, ’cause brother man,
You know how to get hip to my heart.

First:  Why would you call some dude that you find attractive “brother man”?  Don’t Southerners have to hear the incest jokes enough?

Second: What does “hip  to my heart” mean?

All the girls in town look you up and look you down, I know
So… come on an’ pick your kitten
Purr, baby, purr, go ahead and say the word – lets go!
I – think I’m the one you’re takin’; got me feeling lucky

I have nothing to add.  This is just stupid.

What gets me is that this is (probably) not the first draft of this song.  It was written, then revised, then played for someone who obviously liked it, then probably revised again, then played for a producer who decided that this song needed to be on an album.  Not only be on an album, but be the debut single for this album/band.  That is a lot of stuff to go through to wind up with something like this. Did anyone even read these lyrics before they recorded the song?  Why would you do this to humanity?  Somebody needs to explain to whoever is responsible for this abomination that radio waves travel through space forever.  So if there are any other civilizations out there somewhere, they will be polluted by this atrocity.  I hope whoever wrote this song is  happy.

Twitter Two Cents

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed an increasing number of people on Twitter saying that Twitter has gotten lame, gone mainstream, or that it has “jumped the shark”. There was a dramatic rise in these type of posts last week with Ashton Kutcher/CNN’s race to 1 million followers, and also with Oprah beginning to actively use the service. Honestly, I have been a little confused by all these tweets. To me, the beauty of Twitter is that you don’t have to read things written by or about people you have no interest in. As of now you have complete control over what shows up in your feed. If you don’t care what the Big O had for breakfast, don’t follow her. If reading about what Kelso did over the weekend bores you, don’t follow him. That’s the beauty of the service. Each user can essentially customize it to be whatever they want it to be. If you are one of these people that want to know every detail of celebrities’ lives, you can find out probably as much as you want. If you just want to talk to people you know in real life, you can do that too. You can see as much or as little as you want. If you are seeing too much info about stuff you don’t care about, it doesn’t mean that Twitter has suddenly become lame, it probably means you suck at choosing who to follow. That is not Twitter’s fault.

So, following this logic, if I see people in my feed talking about Twitter being too mainstream, be warned you will probably be unfollowed.